strina: stock icon of cherries against a green background - default icon (Default)
(Absolutely the appropriate word)

You know that thing, where you have the internet and accidentally read some stuff and start self-diagnosing weird and unusual conditions? And then there's the next part, where you have to talk yourself down, because you don't have nose cancer or whatever, it's just WebMD or Wikipedia making you paranoid?

AFTER YOU ACTUALLY HAVE A COUPLE OF SELF-DIAGNOSES CONFIRMED BY ACTUAL DOCTORS, THE NEXT PART GOES AWAY. FOREVER.

Like, when I was 19 and diagnosed as major depressive and started on medication, I ended up going to the doctor and telling her that the antidepressant was making me crazy in unfun new ways and I was pretty sure I was actually bipolar. So she ran me through some questions and yes, bipolar.

And a couple years ago I read this comedy article about fictional characters with undiagnosed mental illnesses and had a huge "UM..." moment and figured out I probably had schizoid personality disorder. Which I brought up when I started back on my meds and the therapist at my intake was like "yeah, it's on your chart from 2006...did they not mention that?".

Most recently there was that Criminal Minds episode with the girl with polycystic ovary syndrome and my doctor and I talked and the conclusion is I need to get an ultrasound, stat.

So. You know. Now there's this article on sensory processing disorder that's sounding REAL familiar and I basically feel like I need to never read anything about real life ever again.

(But seriously, my whole family has a weird and intense thing with food and textures. And lots of motion sickness/sleep disorders. And stress migraines/photophobia. And there's a creepy posture chart where the apparently fucked up version looks a lot like my x-rays.

You have no idea how much I DON'T want to have a family sit-down about who has been diagnosed with what and what that means for the Family Medical History. At least five of us are on psych meds for reasons we Do Not Talk About.)
strina: try, annie, abed, & chloroformed janitor caption "my whole brain is crying" (community - brain is crying)

My dad always has a shit-ton of flash drives in a box on his desk, because he gets them as swag at conferences and stuff. So I grabbed a couple today, looking for an empty one to put his present on.

I plug the first one in, it’s not empty, so I’m about to close it when…I see a document labeled Will1.

Obviously you see a will, you open it, right? I have read/watched too many mysteries to NOT read a mysterious will.

Except LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES, INTERNET. DO NOT OPEN WILLS. YOU LEARN THINGS YOU NEVER IMAGINED.

MY DAD HAS A SECRET CHILD.

(A SECRET CHILD WHO EXPLICITLY GETS NOTHING IN THE WILL, BECAUSE APPARENTLY IF YOU HAVE A SECRET CHILD AND DON’T MENTION THAT YOU’RE NOT LEAVING THEM ANYTHING ON PURPOSE, THEY CAN SUE FOR PART OF THE ESTATE. LIVE AND FUCKING LEARN!)

…Obviously I googled her immediately. And I seem to have found her.

Why am I so sure, you might ask? Because her first name is spelled unusually (Karlye), she comes from the right area - which happens to be middle of nowhere Oklahoma, so not a huge pool of possibilities to start, and oh, one other thing: when I logged into Facebook for the first time in months, just so I could maybe see more of her profile, SHE HAD ALREADY SENT ME A FRIEND REQUEST EVEN THOUGH WE DON’T KNOW ANY OF THE SAME PEOPLE. EXCEPT, APPARENTLY, OUR DAD.

WHY IS MY LIFE A SOAP OPERA. WHY DO I HAVE TO ASK THAT SO OFTEN. THE WHOLE “YOU’RE THE REASON YOUR DAD AND I ELOPED TO TEXAS AND MADE YOUR GRANDMA SO MAD THAT 25 YEARS LATER, SHE WILL BE ONE OF THE TWO GUESTS AT YOUR COUSIN’S SECRET WEDDING” SHOULD HAVE BEEN PLENTY FOR ONE PERSON. LET ALONE THE “BROTHER IS DATING THE DAUGHTER OF YOUR MOM’S SECOND (COMMON-LAW) HUSBAND AND BY THE WAY, YOU HAVE A SECRET HEIRLOOM OF HER DAD’S FAMILY IN YOUR APARTMENT”. BUT NO. THE UNIVERSE HAS TO GO FULL-ON GODDAMN SECRET BABY.

!!!!!????!!!?

UPDATE: SHIT GOT WEIRDER.

So I was venting to my best friend about the WTFness of it all and she thought she recognized the name, so she got on secret-sister’s Facebook.

APPARENTLY SHE USED TO WORK WITH THE GIRL’S ADOPTED MOM, WHOSE SISTER WAS THE BIO-MOM. NOBODY EVER SAID A WORD ABOUT THE BIO-DAD AND NOW WE KNOW WHY.

Secret-sister is ~18, so was conceived about two years after my parents’ divorce and before he and my stepmom were really a thing. Which makes the secrecy SO MUCH WEIRDER.

I just. Does my grandma know?! Do I tell my brother? How do I bring this shit up without going into “I felt mystery-plot-device obligated to open this will, but that is not the point right now”?

UPDATE UPDATE: I JUST REALIZED THE CONTEXT OF A WILL MEANS HE WAS LITERALLY PLANNING TO TAKE THIS SHIT TO THE GRAVE.


[Note: Post copied from tumblr, because that is where I was when my feelings exploded. They have exploded approximately three more times since, most recent best summed up as "IT IS TWO DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AKA, THE LAST TIME THIS YEAR ME, MY DAD, AND MY BROTHER WILL BE IN THE SAME ROOM. AWKWARD SECRET-KEEPING OR EPIC SHITSHOW?"]

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