This Body Is Defective; I Would Like To Return It

My shoulder somehow fucked itself up picking my cell phone up out of the passenger seat and now it hurts and things feel weird when I press on it, weird anf not like the other shoulder at all. Plus, every time I've gotten up in the last two days, I've had to start out limping because something's wrong with my left leg.

If it was injuries, I could deal with it, but it's always just my body going "well, what if I don't wanna work, huh?" and that's not cool, dude!