Shut Up, and Let Me See Your Jazz Hands

As I've said, I've set myself to reading things I don't, actually, want to read. Because I find them creepy. But I am making a list.

Oh, and I was thinking, and I think it's the fact that I've never seen necrophilia presented as a serious fetish that makes it not an autosquick; mostly, in my brain, necrophilia = parody.

Anyway. I can't seem to find a threesome I find squicksome on its own grounds. Like, I won't read Lucius/Draco/Snape, but I'm not interested in any of the contained pairs and I don't read Draco/not!Harry the same way I don't read John/not!Rodney. Buffy fandom made me love the illogical threesomes! It is totally not my fault. I...apparently want to read Tony/Abby/McGee? And wow, Tony/Ziva/Gibbs would be awesome, especially post-ep discipline fic for that one with the Korean spy!wife. Oh god, why has no one written that? Or maybe someone has, in which case, I must have it.

This exercise is surprisingly interesting. I now yearn for pairings/groupings I never contemplated. Like Tony/Jen. And Tony/Gibbs/Jen. Because after Gibbs fucks off to Mexico, Tony and Jen work together more and then they have friend- and/or commiseration-sex and get all close and then Gibbs comes back and is Displeased, because Gibbs is a possessive bastard and then 1) Gibbs stews for a while before Tony and Jen take pity and include him for hot and playful threesome sex or 2) Tony and/or Jen suggests Scenario 1, their lover is jealous because this was supposed to be a relationship based on more than a common bastard, there is Angst on the part of the lovers and Angst on the part of Gibbs (his return has made the people he loves miserable!), and then there is some drinking and the jealous lover seeks solace in Gibbs' arms, jealousy all 'round, misunderstandings, more sex and alcohol, some confessions, and finally, happy athletic threesome sex or 3) Gibbs decides to make Amends for running off by slowly and diabolically seducing the pair into his bed, as a pair, and then there is much porn or 4) Gibbs goes all masterful and convinces the two to join him for scorching threesome bondage-sex and then just...keeps them. And apparently I'm not getting off this fantasy-story tangent and should just give up and what I planned to say. Ah, well.

I think I could maybe go for some Zack/Hodgins/Angela. Hodgins' crush on Angela seems obvious enough, and if you combine that with Zack living with him and Zack's obvious affection and respect for Angela, I'm sure many nifty things could happen. Like, Zack and Angela date, or Zack and Angela have a nonromantic sexual affair, whatever, and Hodgins realizes he is, in fact, jealous of both of them. This makes him hostile, which confuses Zack and angers Angela. Eventually it erupts into a confrontation in the lab in which Hodgins grabs Zack and kisses him in front of God, Angela, and everybody. Angela finds boykissing hot and is saucily delighted. Threeway dating, possibly the kept boy thing crops up (story of my HEART, why will no one write it?), happy ending with sex for all! Very good sex, because I bet Angela's wicked in the sack and mmmm, Zack and his incredibly long fingers and his perfectionism.

And I would not say no to Brennan/Booth/Angela. What with Brennan/Angela being my favorite, and Brennan/Booth being the show's favorite, and Angela canonically digging Booth.

Lalala, what else. Oooh, Firefly, with the practically-canonical bizarre threesome of Simon/River/Kaylee, which is always fun. As is Jayne/Simon/Mal, which I adore. But you know what I want to see. More Simon/Zoe/Wash. And mmmmm, Simon/Inara/Mal, which I've never seen and am now keenly interested in, because those would be some interesting dynamics, with Mal's jealousy and Simon's uptightness and Inara's determination to remain emotionally uninvolved. Oh, she could seduce them both, planning on leaving them paired together because she can't keep Mal dangling after her, temptation and torment both, and then finding herself completely unable to untangle herself, because Simon loves hard, harder than is sane or rational or proper, and it's impossible to walk away from that depth or fierceness of feeling, and Mal, when has she ever been able to resist Mal as much as she means to? And it's infinitely harder now, when instead of calling her a whore, he just gives her these slow grins like he sees right through Companion Serra, and she eventually has to throw up half-baffled hands in resignation and content herself with two gorgeous steady lovers and a life and family unlike anything she ever planned.

And now is when I again long for Buffy Summers threesomes. I want more Buffy/Willow/Xander, and Buffy/Wesley/Angel, and Buffy/Wesley/Faith (especially in the Wishverse!), and Buffy/Ethan/Giles, and Buffy/Xander/Faith (OT3! shut up, wins at life!), and Buffy/Darla/Angel (just once! I want to read it once! preferably with angry pregnant Darla because oh, the shenanigans my mind is hinting at), and Buffy/Xander/Spike (Buffy-never-died AU, or there's the horribly angsty Buffy-uses-them-both-for-sex story, where they find out about each other and there's hostility and shame, but she manipulates them into simultaneously bedding her and gradually the men grow closer and end up forcing Buffy into an epiphany and then there is a long road to a more healthy relationship and dammit, no one's ever gonna do that one). And then there's the Buffy/Xander/Dawn where, a couple-few years post-Chosen, a mysterious Something happens to Xander in Africa and he ends up with near-total amnesia and the only personal information he retains are a few scattered memories of Dawn. He's sent to Rome to convalesce and finds himself attached quite firmly to Dawn, but also oddly drawn to her vibrant older sister. Blah blah, angst, magical shenanigans, eventually, threesome, and Xander later regains his memory but remains quite happy with his new situation - he always has had a weakness for Summers women. Oh, and I've read one Xander/Willow/Cordy fic and am quite convinced there should be more.

I believe I've bitched before about the lack of post-enzyme Rodney/Ronon/Teyla? I mean there's Sweat, but I want more, and bigger, because I'm interested. And speaking of things I've seen only once, I wouldn't be averse to more Teyla/Elizabeth/Rodney. Or hell, Teyla/Elizabeth/Ronon. And then I have this whole post I keep meaning to type up about girl!Rodney having sex with Cadman and Ronon, maybe separately, maybe both at once. Oh! Rodney/Cadman/Vala! Oh, man, that would amuse me endlessly; someone should totally do that. Hmmm, Teyla/Elizabeth/Kate as just a regular tension relief kind of thing. Or hee, Teyla/Elizabeth/Zelenka as told by an outside observer would win.

And oh, how I used to long for Meredith/Izzie/George. Or George/Izzie/Alex. Now, though, I turn my yearning toward Burke/Cristina/George, because all three of them WIN. Come on, you know you want it. Because 1) Burke could totally date two interns and get away with it, 2) George is adorable, deserves mad amounts of sex, and has a giant (and totally requited) man-crush on Burke, and 3) competitive!Cristina is hot like burning - Cristina turns everything into a competition - any threesome involving Cristina automatically doubles its hot-like-burning quotient. I mean, I like Callie and all, but it'd be kind of awesome if she went crazy on George and Burke comforted him and there were Feelings and George immediately chose the avoidance/denial route and Burke was wounded and Cristina tried to fix it and weaseled out of George why he needed some time and being simultaneously pleased at having such an awesome boyfriend that he turned George gay and pissed because hey! her boyfriend! Then Burke gets it out of her and admits that he, too, has the Feelings, but he loves Cristina and is committed to her, and George is right, maybe they should just take some time... And then Cristina brings George home and is very matter-of-fact about how at least George isn't another girl, as she's not fucked-up enough to be either the Addison or the Meredith in this situation and also, she's the best girlfriend ever and she hopes Burke realizes that this means she gets to win every argument, ever, right on down as to whether people who run recreationally are, in fact, deficient. So there.

And finally, I want a post-HBP fic that starts Harry/Luna and ends Harry/Luna/Draco. I want it set before the defeat of Voldemort; I want it to be a goodly distance from the end of HBP; I want Draco to be miserable, confused, horribly disadvantaged, and with a massive crush on Harry; and I want Luna to convince Harry to give Draco a chance to prove himself. There would be lust and distrust and anger, confusion and grudging acceptance and growing attachment, angst and love and thrilling heroics. It would be awesome, bitches, and I shall leave you to contemplate that.

Okay, I lie, but only because I just realized I also want Harry/Luna/Ron. And possibly Harry/Luna/Neville. I'm already an established fan of Harry/Ginny/Luna and I've got some Harry/Luna/Hermione queued up to read tomorrow. Basically? Luna wins at threesomes and hey, maybe I could go for some Ginny/Luna/Neville...

Anyway! Some H/G/L for you:
Count the Way
A Progression of Third Wheels
Cravings and Compulsions
Severus Snape and the Dubious Duty
True Moon and The Opposite of an Eclipse

ETA: Took me two day to realize hey, I never did finish typing that. So, you may have briefly seen the incomplete version on the 18th. Anyway. Have some music! The B for Brontosaurus website, with four songs for free download. Who Will Sail My Ship Ashore? has always struck me a threesome-y song, and I am currently infatuated with Soda Pop Rock.

Also? On that H/L/Hr story? Author ended it with a reset and prophecy of doom. Bitch freaking move.

Am I crazy, or is Booth's boss the same guy who played Admiral Chegwidden on JAG? Hey! I can check that! Awesome!

Dude, I totally called that that was an ear. Roundish piece of cartilage? Ear.

Angela's lived in at least six countries.

OMG, she's married? What?

Aw, when she's questioned about her job, one of the first things she thinks of is that Brennan needs her.

I wanna see Two Guys and a Girl again. Sorry, that's not the non sequitur it seems. The "security expert" or whatever played - Ashley? - the cold, angry doctor that slept with Berg and Pete.

I find the very premise of Final Destination ludicrous and I'm horrified that there is one sequel, let alone two. Viewing public, I despair of you, I really do.

!

!!!

Brennan has a number memorized that gets her immediate access to somebody with scary government powers! The power to turn Pickering quiet and shell-shocked in under thirty seconds, for one.

"I'm to remain here until someone comes to destroy my notes." If Hodgins gets wind of this, he will never shut up.

Also, I kind of heart Zack's weird logical response-thing. He accepts that he's emotionally retarded, so he has a list of people to double-check important judgement calls with. I was going to mention that earlier, since I dig chronology, but I got distracted.

The tiny child actor rocks, btw. He's on for two minutes and I'm all "omg, tiny child, don't cry! you're safe now!".

And it sounds callous, but if you have to be kidnapped and maimed, it's best you lose a finger from the left hand. Unless you're left-handed, but that's a statistical improbability. Not, y'know, a remote probability, but it's only one in ten. Which, random fact, is the number of pregnancies wherein one twin spontaneously absorbs the other.

Yep. One in ten pregnancies with fraternal twins ends in cannibal fetus.

I have no idea what song this is that they're playing on CSI, but I desperately want it. "My body is your body/I won't tell anybody/If you want to use my body/Go for it." Some guy singing, sounds familiar, but really, I have no idea.

You have to be pretty whacked to snipe somebody with a bow and arrow.

What is with Danny? He was a musician, he had the thing with the Tanglewood Boys, and wasn't there something about baseball? It's interesting, is what I'm saying. Getting backstory on these people is weird. You learn bunches for the lead CSI, but for everybody else, the info is strange and scattered.

I wanna know more about musician!Danny.

I heart the gangly coroner. Sid, I think his name is.

Okay, the little snigger's cute. It shouldn't be, but it is.

You know who I always think of when I think "snigger"? Muttley. You know, that grey dog who sniggered all the time. From the...Hana-Barbera cartoons? I think I remember him being in Yogi Bear and the Spruce Goose, and that was Hana-Barbera.

You know, I'd like to live abroad some day, but I'd have to live in an English-speaking country. ...Travel commercial.

If this is a mosaic of all Carlo's girls, it's going to be awesome.

Dammit. Now I want threesome fic with Mac, Danny, and that new CSI-girl. Because she and Danny popped up at Mac's secret gig. They could be his groupies! Shut up. I like the threesomes. There should be more of them.

Oh, come on! Spell check claims that gangly isn't a word. I hate this spell check. It's dumb.

ETA:

Aha! It's We Are Scientists' "Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt". You can listen to it here.

"...you ask it to take out the garbage, it watches reruns of Firefly."

And that has sealed my love for Zach for forever.

I heart Zach's family.

They all visited him! They flew in from Michigan! On, like, a day's notice! And the whole mob did the "hand against the glass" thing!

Also, Zach has really pretty hands. The long thin fingers, with the knuckles... Mmmm.

Oh, Brennan. You're so bad with people, but I love you anyway. And you have such angst. And it's actually valid angst!

Angela/Brennan, people! Get on that.

Alyssa, I warn you now, I don't think there's going to be anything in here to really interest you. It's fanfiction and television and dreams. But possibly I will throw something in at the end for you. No promises. 'Cause you are a whore.

Okay, fine, I know I just did the self-righteous thing on finishing (reading) the stories you start, but now I'm gonna add a little...call it a codicil.

There are things I just can't read. My brain will not wrap around them. And this is coming from the girl who actively enjoys AUs, mpregs, and episode-fixes. I have read *healing-penis fic*. What I'm saying is, I'm pretty flexible in the brain (not the body. like, at all.).

Started a story where John's smarter than Rodney...not gonna finish it. Accidentally started a story where Rodney sleeps around on John...not gonna finish it. Even more accidentally started a Tara/Spike story (nifty title, no summary)...never, ever gonna finish it.

There are things I can't buy. Some of them are small things, like the fact that I, *personally*, can't see Rodney cheating on *anyone* consistently; everyone can do it once, but for him, as a *pattern* of behavior, it doesn't scan for me.

Then there are the bigger things. To me, Tara is a lesbian. I *cannot*, under any circumstances, see her sleeping with a man of her own free will. We are never given any indication that she's attracted to men, and any fic that disagrees, that places her in a male/female sexual relationship, contains what is to me, at best, an AU Tara.

And yeah, I know. Most of the characters I slash are explicitly heterosexual. Why should the explicitly homosexual get special treatment? But there are also those characters that I can't and won't slash. Yes, they are few and far between, but they exist. And it's not that I won't slash them for squick reasons (unless you're talking, like, Dobby). Hell, I've read *multiple* Snape/Hagrid fics. But Foreman and Cameron and Stabler are just as set-in-stone straight to me as Tara is set-in-stone not.

Anyway. Back off the soapbox.

I love Fox right now. Don't worry, that's only the temporary euphoria talking. I watched Bones and was *so* happy and then came House and oh, Fox, I love you.

Hodgins and Zack live together! They carpool every day! Brennan gets a say in Angela's career decisions! I want slash, and also much, much femmeslash. For once, I would actually trade the slash *for* the femmeslash. Come on! Angela and the courier-girl and then Brennan finds out and gets jealous and confesses her sekrit gay love! And Angela swears not to quit her job and leave Brennan alone, because then Brennan would be forced to have rebound sex with Booth. Or that could be the fic.

Angela leaves because she can't keep drawing "death masks" and Brennan has rebound sex with Booth because she is drunk and lonely and desolate (best word ever, desolate, makes me melt every time) and then Angela comes back and possibly kicks Booth's ass (not, y'know, physically, although she probably could, 'cause I don't think he'd hit her back) and smacks Brennan around (again, not physically) re: Brennan's keeping the big gay love a secret. And then there is sex, 'cause Angela knew going in that Brennan had no people skills and was kind of emotionally retarded.

Or, you know, Zack finds out that Hodgins has been letting his super-rich family think Zack is his kept boy. Because Hodgins likes to rebel against the man, even though he is secretly destined to be the man, because he doesn't want to be! And then there is angst, followed by sex. Possibly they could solve a mystery. I don't care, I'm not hard to please.

Anyway. House! House has been conducting experiments on Wilson! For more than a year! To "objectively measure how much [Wilson] values their friendship" (results say: as worth at least $5000). And House's daddy issues!

Mmkay, now to the dream thing: Slept a lot today (had a mini-breakdown which I decided to blame on lack of sleep, so skipped all classes). Had strange dreams and, after waking, wrote (typed, really) them out, because it's unusual for me to remember multiple dreams.

Have decided to share (this is exactly what I typed then, just spell-checked.):

"I've been in bed all day having strange dreams.

the one where Richard punched me in the stomach really hard while my mom just stood by and my appendix burst and I died and it strikes me now that dream-Richard actually had three hands, 'cause he punched me while also holding down both my arms so I couldn't block the punch

then the one where I was at college for the first time and I had rare (and really freaking cool) tropical fish (and while the number of fish stayed the same, the number of tanks kept changing). anyway for some reason I had three roommates (all in one room) and I hated the first two, a guy & a girl, who were dating. I spent a lot of my time on the computer ignoring their mocking (shades of Megan, anyone?) and then there was the third roommate who also mocked but I mocked back and possibly there was flirting (I wasn't sure in the dream and I'm not now). at least she liked the fish. I was possibly a misanthrope because I refused to go to the nifty-cool welcome party (welcome costume party) the college was throwing but somehow I ended up there anyway and we were all dressed as brides or grooms or, for some people, both (and there was much crossdressing as well) and for some reason all the dresses and the tuxes pretty much looked the same. and then I spotted Nathan Fillion (one of the bride-*and*-groom people) and ran up to him and hugged him right before Paul Spradlin could do it (I'd heard Paul bellow "Nathan Fillion" from somewhere behind me and Paul totally would have cracked his ribs) and babbled at him about how I loved him in Two Guys & a Girl and loved him more in Firefly and how my love become irrevocable after all the interviews and things where I was forced to stop being all "he's pretty! and can act!" and admit he himself was pretty damn cool and how I was sorry to fangirl and run but I'd seen Joe Flanigan (which I had) and that meant that somewhere, there might be David Hewlett, and I had to go see, but that Nathan was still one of my top three favorite celebrities *ever* (the list, in the dream at least, was Joss Whedon, Nathan Fillion, David Hewlett, though not necessarily in that order). and then I ran off into the sea of brides and grooms

and finally there was the one that was a cross between an old tv show (grounded for life), a trilogy of horror movies that may or may not actually exist, and real life, with a soupcon of credit card commercial. there was Halloween and Christmas and monsters and evil devil candy and my family and an office building and some other stuff that I'm remembering less and less as the seconds tick past"

And now, for Alyssa:

http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2044744

http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2044745

http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2044747

http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2044748

http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2044749

http://www.fictionpress.com/read.php?storyid=2044753