Shut Up, and Let Me See Your Jazz Hands

NCIS werewolf AU with transGibbs (Gibbs/Dinozzo): Worthy.

This isn't a rec, as I haven't read it and don't particularly plan to (Gibbs is one of those characters I have trouble imagining as significantly other than in canon), but it is a genderbending shapeshifter AU that's nearly 13000 words. I am sure someone is/would be all YAY! I did skim a little bit to check what they meant by genderbending and it seems fairly well-written? ETA: Actual reader verdict: so-so.

As I've said, I've set myself to reading things I don't, actually, want to read. Because I find them creepy. But I am making a list.

Oh, and I was thinking, and I think it's the fact that I've never seen necrophilia presented as a serious fetish that makes it not an autosquick; mostly, in my brain, necrophilia = parody.

Anyway. I can't seem to find a threesome I find squicksome on its own grounds. Like, I won't read Lucius/Draco/Snape, but I'm not interested in any of the contained pairs and I don't read Draco/not!Harry the same way I don't read John/not!Rodney. Buffy fandom made me love the illogical threesomes! It is totally not my fault. I...apparently want to read Tony/Abby/McGee? And wow, Tony/Ziva/Gibbs would be awesome, especially post-ep discipline fic for that one with the Korean spy!wife. Oh god, why has no one written that? Or maybe someone has, in which case, I must have it.

This exercise is surprisingly interesting. I now yearn for pairings/groupings I never contemplated. Like Tony/Jen. And Tony/Gibbs/Jen. Because after Gibbs fucks off to Mexico, Tony and Jen work together more and then they have friend- and/or commiseration-sex and get all close and then Gibbs comes back and is Displeased, because Gibbs is a possessive bastard and then 1) Gibbs stews for a while before Tony and Jen take pity and include him for hot and playful threesome sex or 2) Tony and/or Jen suggests Scenario 1, their lover is jealous because this was supposed to be a relationship based on more than a common bastard, there is Angst on the part of the lovers and Angst on the part of Gibbs (his return has made the people he loves miserable!), and then there is some drinking and the jealous lover seeks solace in Gibbs' arms, jealousy all 'round, misunderstandings, more sex and alcohol, some confessions, and finally, happy athletic threesome sex or 3) Gibbs decides to make Amends for running off by slowly and diabolically seducing the pair into his bed, as a pair, and then there is much porn or 4) Gibbs goes all masterful and convinces the two to join him for scorching threesome bondage-sex and then just...keeps them. And apparently I'm not getting off this fantasy-story tangent and should just give up and what I planned to say. Ah, well.

I think I could maybe go for some Zack/Hodgins/Angela. Hodgins' crush on Angela seems obvious enough, and if you combine that with Zack living with him and Zack's obvious affection and respect for Angela, I'm sure many nifty things could happen. Like, Zack and Angela date, or Zack and Angela have a nonromantic sexual affair, whatever, and Hodgins realizes he is, in fact, jealous of both of them. This makes him hostile, which confuses Zack and angers Angela. Eventually it erupts into a confrontation in the lab in which Hodgins grabs Zack and kisses him in front of God, Angela, and everybody. Angela finds boykissing hot and is saucily delighted. Threeway dating, possibly the kept boy thing crops up (story of my HEART, why will no one write it?), happy ending with sex for all! Very good sex, because I bet Angela's wicked in the sack and mmmm, Zack and his incredibly long fingers and his perfectionism.

And I would not say no to Brennan/Booth/Angela. What with Brennan/Angela being my favorite, and Brennan/Booth being the show's favorite, and Angela canonically digging Booth.

Lalala, what else. Oooh, Firefly, with the practically-canonical bizarre threesome of Simon/River/Kaylee, which is always fun. As is Jayne/Simon/Mal, which I adore. But you know what I want to see. More Simon/Zoe/Wash. And mmmmm, Simon/Inara/Mal, which I've never seen and am now keenly interested in, because those would be some interesting dynamics, with Mal's jealousy and Simon's uptightness and Inara's determination to remain emotionally uninvolved. Oh, she could seduce them both, planning on leaving them paired together because she can't keep Mal dangling after her, temptation and torment both, and then finding herself completely unable to untangle herself, because Simon loves hard, harder than is sane or rational or proper, and it's impossible to walk away from that depth or fierceness of feeling, and Mal, when has she ever been able to resist Mal as much as she means to? And it's infinitely harder now, when instead of calling her a whore, he just gives her these slow grins like he sees right through Companion Serra, and she eventually has to throw up half-baffled hands in resignation and content herself with two gorgeous steady lovers and a life and family unlike anything she ever planned.

And now is when I again long for Buffy Summers threesomes. I want more Buffy/Willow/Xander, and Buffy/Wesley/Angel, and Buffy/Wesley/Faith (especially in the Wishverse!), and Buffy/Ethan/Giles, and Buffy/Xander/Faith (OT3! shut up, wins at life!), and Buffy/Darla/Angel (just once! I want to read it once! preferably with angry pregnant Darla because oh, the shenanigans my mind is hinting at), and Buffy/Xander/Spike (Buffy-never-died AU, or there's the horribly angsty Buffy-uses-them-both-for-sex story, where they find out about each other and there's hostility and shame, but she manipulates them into simultaneously bedding her and gradually the men grow closer and end up forcing Buffy into an epiphany and then there is a long road to a more healthy relationship and dammit, no one's ever gonna do that one). And then there's the Buffy/Xander/Dawn where, a couple-few years post-Chosen, a mysterious Something happens to Xander in Africa and he ends up with near-total amnesia and the only personal information he retains are a few scattered memories of Dawn. He's sent to Rome to convalesce and finds himself attached quite firmly to Dawn, but also oddly drawn to her vibrant older sister. Blah blah, angst, magical shenanigans, eventually, threesome, and Xander later regains his memory but remains quite happy with his new situation - he always has had a weakness for Summers women. Oh, and I've read one Xander/Willow/Cordy fic and am quite convinced there should be more.

I believe I've bitched before about the lack of post-enzyme Rodney/Ronon/Teyla? I mean there's Sweat, but I want more, and bigger, because I'm interested. And speaking of things I've seen only once, I wouldn't be averse to more Teyla/Elizabeth/Rodney. Or hell, Teyla/Elizabeth/Ronon. And then I have this whole post I keep meaning to type up about girl!Rodney having sex with Cadman and Ronon, maybe separately, maybe both at once. Oh! Rodney/Cadman/Vala! Oh, man, that would amuse me endlessly; someone should totally do that. Hmmm, Teyla/Elizabeth/Kate as just a regular tension relief kind of thing. Or hee, Teyla/Elizabeth/Zelenka as told by an outside observer would win.

And oh, how I used to long for Meredith/Izzie/George. Or George/Izzie/Alex. Now, though, I turn my yearning toward Burke/Cristina/George, because all three of them WIN. Come on, you know you want it. Because 1) Burke could totally date two interns and get away with it, 2) George is adorable, deserves mad amounts of sex, and has a giant (and totally requited) man-crush on Burke, and 3) competitive!Cristina is hot like burning - Cristina turns everything into a competition - any threesome involving Cristina automatically doubles its hot-like-burning quotient. I mean, I like Callie and all, but it'd be kind of awesome if she went crazy on George and Burke comforted him and there were Feelings and George immediately chose the avoidance/denial route and Burke was wounded and Cristina tried to fix it and weaseled out of George why he needed some time and being simultaneously pleased at having such an awesome boyfriend that he turned George gay and pissed because hey! her boyfriend! Then Burke gets it out of her and admits that he, too, has the Feelings, but he loves Cristina and is committed to her, and George is right, maybe they should just take some time... And then Cristina brings George home and is very matter-of-fact about how at least George isn't another girl, as she's not fucked-up enough to be either the Addison or the Meredith in this situation and also, she's the best girlfriend ever and she hopes Burke realizes that this means she gets to win every argument, ever, right on down as to whether people who run recreationally are, in fact, deficient. So there.

And finally, I want a post-HBP fic that starts Harry/Luna and ends Harry/Luna/Draco. I want it set before the defeat of Voldemort; I want it to be a goodly distance from the end of HBP; I want Draco to be miserable, confused, horribly disadvantaged, and with a massive crush on Harry; and I want Luna to convince Harry to give Draco a chance to prove himself. There would be lust and distrust and anger, confusion and grudging acceptance and growing attachment, angst and love and thrilling heroics. It would be awesome, bitches, and I shall leave you to contemplate that.

Okay, I lie, but only because I just realized I also want Harry/Luna/Ron. And possibly Harry/Luna/Neville. I'm already an established fan of Harry/Ginny/Luna and I've got some Harry/Luna/Hermione queued up to read tomorrow. Basically? Luna wins at threesomes and hey, maybe I could go for some Ginny/Luna/Neville...

Anyway! Some H/G/L for you:
Count the Way
A Progression of Third Wheels
Cravings and Compulsions
Severus Snape and the Dubious Duty
True Moon and The Opposite of an Eclipse

ETA: Took me two day to realize hey, I never did finish typing that. So, you may have briefly seen the incomplete version on the 18th. Anyway. Have some music! The B for Brontosaurus website, with four songs for free download. Who Will Sail My Ship Ashore? has always struck me a threesome-y song, and I am currently infatuated with Soda Pop Rock.

Also? On that H/L/Hr story? Author ended it with a reset and prophecy of doom. Bitch freaking move.

So. I was watching TV tonight, channel-switching, as I do, and. Um.

Possibly I'm going to be watching The Unit now.

It was hurt/comfort fic, right there on my screen! There was illness, and then injury, and then persecution, and perceived betrayal, and defiance (with pop culture references!) in the face of treacherous mind games, and a daring escape from a drill gone horribly out of control!

(Also, HOMG, Ryan = Sumner!)

Oh. And I watched some of NCIS, but more of Gilmore Girls, because I like downloading NCIS so I can replay bits. Both were yay (especially Ziva and the Director dressing Abby (where's that f/f/f?), Paris calling the hospital, Rory calling Mitchum, and Gibbs and Abby in the elevator), except for the bit at the end of GG where Anna Nardini went crazy just as things were looking up. And I saw enough of House to think Foreman = dick, Wilson = fucked-up so deeply, and prophet-boy = adorable. Also, I continue to enjoy references to Chase's stint in seminary.

And I am now torrenting last night's HIMYM and MAMMOTH, OMG, SFC ORIGINAL PICTURES, I HAVE MISSED YOU.

You know what's awesome? St. Valentine's Day is really just a big thing because the Roman Catholic Church is prudish. See, there was a pagan holiday in Italy around this time that was also a celebration of love. Except this holiday was much more about the debauchery. There was a whole thing where teenagers especially would form temporary "marriages" that were more about getting some socially-sanctioned ass than they were about love. So the Church made a big thing of St. Valentine's Day, and made it a holiday focused on courtly (non-physical) love.

Anyway. I have many new uploads.

( I Did It For Love )

There's meta and musing and...I wish I could think of another m-word to go here. Anyway.

Oh, um. Small disclaimer: some of these actually will be elaborated on later.

( Sometimes I Think I'm Clever )

I'm wasting away, dammit.

I'm so hungry. I want chicken. Or a cheeseburger. Ooh, Burger King. A Tendercrisp, plain, with onion rings and a frozen Coke. And then some fries. Because Burger King has the best fast-food fries.

Oh god, could I ever go for some Okie fries. Potatoes sliced and fried, and then covered in shredded cheese, bacon, and onions, and served with ranch. Mmmm, Okie fries from Jake's; Jake's has the best ranch ever. There's little pieces of onion or something in it and it's wonderful.

Or I could eat some Quizno's.

I miss real food, though. Food that's not all processed. Some spaghetti with turkey meatballs and shredded Parmesan. Homemade chicken tacos. Lori's chicken-and-rice. A nice rare steak, with some pasta.

Wish I had a kitchen.

You know, I talk about food a lot. That's because I love food.

People, I am a hedonist. Food is a sensual pleasure. So I enjoy my food. I develop intense sense memories of food; I crave remembered tastes.

So, instead of talking about, say, the weather, I talk about food.

Okay, so really, this entry was to give some links to some more uploads I did. Here y'all go:

NCIS 1x04 - The Immortals
Navy gamer dies mysteriously. Wearing a sword he shouldn't even have.

NCIS 1x20 - Missing
Serial killer targeting Marines. It's the one with the bees!

NCIS 2x04 - Lt. Jane Doe
Has a killer from Ducky's past returned? Or is it a copycat?

NCIS 2x10 - Chained
Tony goes undercover, chained to a fugitive.

NCIS 2x13 - The Meat Puzzle
Ducky solves the meat puzzle! For those of you not up on the show, the "meat puzzle" refers to the remains of three men found in a barrel of alcohol, sliced up like a jigsaw puzzle. I love this show.

NCIS 2x17 - An Eye for an Eye
Petty officer is mailed a pair of eyes.

NCIS 2x22 - SWAK
Tony is, I kid you not, struck down by the pneumonic plague. He gets the Black Death.

NCIS 2x23 - Twilight
Ari's back. And Gibbs was right about him all along.

NCIS 3x08 - Under Covers
Tony and Ziva masquerade as married Canadian assassins.

NCIS 3x09 - Frame-Up
Tony's framed for murder. With a pair of disembodied legs.

And, just to change things up a little:

Little Britain 1x01
Awesome British comedy, faux-documentary style.

Bones 1x01 - Pilot
'Nother crime show, with an awesome supporting cast.

Oh, Abby and Ducky. I love you so much. You're like the embodiment of they also serve and I love you.

And Christ, that's just mean. Ziva invited everyone to her party but Tony? Even Palmer? Even Abby, Abby who hates her?

Hated her. Seems to be over it now.

Nifty fact? Pauley Perrette provides most of Abby's wardrobe.

The Foreman-as-House's-boss thing remains strange.

I like the new Cingular commercials. You know, the "good night, John-boy" one.

God, I'm tired. Been up since 3 am. Fell asleep at...little after 8:30? Not long after Out of Practice started, which makes me sad. I keep doing this. The falling asleep freakish early and waking up at 3. The bedtimes vary, but that never does.

It's weird that they're bringing Caitlyn Cooper on-canvas on The OC. Commercials' cool, though.

I kinda like Stacy. She gets House. He acts like an ass and she gets it and it makes her feel better.

I love that House is using the phone calls with Wilson to freak the ducklings out with his seeming omniscience.

Only watched two shows tonight, unlike last Tuesday. And they both pissed me off.

With NCIS, it was a quibble with the B-plot. Yes, the A-plot was contrived, but it gave us some good team moments, even if it did contain unnecessary amounts of Madame Director.

But the B-plot. With the sperm bank. Just...the reason they gave for the call doesn't make sense. Sperm donors give up all rights to the donated genetic material, whether or not it's used to make a child. Unless it's a situation like Tony brought up (child needs marrow/organ), or a problem is discovered (previously unknown genetic disorder, etc.), the donor shouldn't be contacted again by the clinic. The clinic can do whatever they want with the sperm; say they were calling to notify him that since no one wanted his sperm, they were going to destroy it. There's no reason for them to do that. Also, if sperm isn't used in insemination, it's often sold at a discount for research or educational purposes. And sperm can be stored indefinitely; it's not a use-it-or-lose-it proposition. And there's no reason for this to have been handled by "the director of critical affairs".

Also, it's kind of weird that no one used the sperm. Tony's an attractive man. He's also intelligent and athletic enough to play at the college level. And light-eyed donors are popular.

It just seems like a really random plot.

House I was fine with - right up until the last five minutes. House is getting punished more harshly than Chase? Supervisor what? Foreman's in charge now? Before we even hit the promos I was ranting about crazy plot twists that should be undone right now.

Then we hit the promos. And oh my god, if Cuddy betrays House the way it looks like she's going to, I WILL CRY. Like, shed actual tears.

Okay, probably not. But...but...I read the story with the crazy Farscape crossover and the OT3 of World Domination and now it's in my head! And...and...CRY.

I thought it'd be a night of great tv and then it turned all mediocre and then it went all aggravating and nonsensical.

Though I did enjoy the majority of both shows. it was just those little bits that make me all crazy.

Also, the episode of Criminal Minds I was so happy about yester - this morning - turned out to be a rerun of my least favorite episode so far. Which is the suck.

You know what I want to see?

Garcia from Criminal Minds, Abby from NCIS, and basically the whole crew from Bones, at a conference on...um, some kind of forensics stuff. It'd have to be a range of stuff to get all these people with their range of specialties together, but I'm sure it could be done. And it would rock my socks.

Because it would make so much *sense*. It seems to scan, geographically speaking, although I haven't the slightest as to where the BAU's headquarters is. And Abby *always* seems to know somebody who knows something. Why can't she know the people from the Jefferson Institute (or is it Jeffersonian? I dunno)? OMG, Angela/Abby. They could go clubbing together! Or Garcia/Abby. 'Cause Abby totally doesn't care about looks (she dated that really, really old guy! she appears to have a tiny crush on Ducky!).

Bonus points if Abby explains that she normally wouldn't go to something like this, but she just had to get away from Chip. Because she agreed to give him the month's trial, but he is driving her *crazy*; she's considering asking Gibbs to drive him from her. With his mad intimidation skillz.

He adores Abby. He'd totally do it.

Aww, the thing with the dress code. I love Abby! I love Gibbs! And Tony; Career Girl Barbie!

I am *not* digging the flashbacks on NCIS. Yes, giving us a few so we know the backstory is cool. But stop just throwing them in there all willy-nilly. And that's totally the wrong way to spell willy-nilly. Because it's a slur-y way of saying "will he, nill he". But I am moving on. Because I am the only one who cares. And I should learn to be flexible. Or I will go *crazy*.

Anyway. We get that Gibbs and Madame Bitch Director had a thing. And she's very pretty and you guys surely do enjoy filming her in gratuitous sex scenes. But they *are* gratuitous at this point. Stop it.

And what's with all the flashbacks on Gibbs' dead family? We go two years and never know they're dead and now, suddenly, he's having flashbacks every episode. Again, stop it.

I am enjoying, however, Ziva and Tony. Though I still begin every episode with the obligatory wail of "I miss Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate!". Because I DO. If there was a way to have both Ziva *and* Kate, my love would know no bounds. But there's not. Because they shot Kate in the *head*.

Kaaaaaate. I miiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssss you.

I enjoyed the episode before last. Or possibly the one before that. Whichever one made me go "OMG! Ziva is totally stalking Tony! With the pumping McGee for info!". Because that, my friends, is awesome.

And I enjoyed the last episode, with Tony tied to a chair and still kicking ass. And then everyone was all worried about him! That made me happy like you would not *believe*.

Because yes, I'm a slasher, and sometimes a femslasher, and sometimes even a shipper. But most of my absolute favorite scenes are the team ones, the gen ones. Where you know that these people don't just work/save the world/fight crime together, they're friends and they *care* about each other.

And I have added another character to my list. My list of characters that I love so much that I will read them in almost any pairing. I will read het for these people. *Weird* het. Like Xander. Xander is my little black dress. I will read him with *anyone*. I mean, so far. Maybe there's a pairing at which I'll balk, but I haven't found it yet.

And Rodney. I've even read Rodney/*Kolya*. Yes, I felt dirty doing it, but I *read* it. And Simon. For love of the good doctor, I read Simon/Zoe/Wash and LIKED it, y'all.

Now Tony's on the list. Because Michael Weatherly is so *pretty* and Tony tries to act like a slacker, but he comes in after midnight to do more work! And Gibbs and Abby, at least, know about it! And he's so *very* slutty and yet somehow, still charming! And he got the plague! Even dying, he was joking around and whipping out the movie references. I <333333 him.

Oh, and he has heightened senses. At least two that we know of, smell and sight. There should *totally* be more NCIS/The Sentinel crossovers. And a House/NCIS crossover, because for some reason, I want to see how a history of plague would affect House's diagnosis of Tony's mysterious illness. Maybe it wouldn't. But plague! Up on the whiteboard! Oooh! Oooh! House and Gibbs face off! I would PAY MONEY.

Huh. My list contains only guys. It's not that I don't like girls! I just... Look, Willow and Hermione would be on here, but I can't read Willow/Angel or Willow/Spike and I *cannot* stomach Hermione/Draco. I don't care, it's not going to happen.

At this point, I am actually considering writing Laura some Rory/Paris *myself*. Why is there not more? Because my only having saved 7 R/P fics in, like, three years indicates an unforgivable dearth. And I need to give her something nifty-like for Christmas. Of course, anything I wrote would be sadly un-nifty, because I am no good at the banter. Or, really, prose of any kind. But! it's the...thought that counts?

I can't wait for Thanksgiving. 'Cause mmmmm, pie. Pineapple pie. I think I may ask Grandma to make me my own, separate pineapple pie. Shut up! I'm not fat! It's just *that* good.

Also, this year is the first year I have an excuse to ask for my own, separate leftovers. Because I have an apartment, yo. Apartment should totally = own personal pie.